Posted in 2018

I had no words vcl©

Today I wanted to hold

your hand

Not chain your soul to the chiseled blocks

of raw silence

promises so brittle

blown away

come and gone.

 

I had no words

they vanished

one by one at the news that you had left

had just been passing through

I had no sound

my words evaporated

to the ground

to the silent earth

conjured up prayers

that taste like stale communion bread

on my tongue

seeking nourishment for

my soul.

 

*Aztec stone sculpture

Posted in 2018

Words that sting have a way of lingering ~ vcl©️

Let me ask you this: What’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to you? How quickly can you recall this memory? Now try this one on: What are the most hurtful words anyone’s ever said to you? What about instances where the words uttered weren’t even intentionally mean, but they still stung deeply? I suspect this list would be the longest. Words that sting have a way of lingering.

My daughter’s untimely death has caused me to remember conversations, especially in the final weeks leading up to her suicide. It is not easy, not being enough for her to keep holding on. We always accused her of being cryptic…But my last conversation was clear as a bell. It will ring forever in my ears.

“It’s never been about you Mum. Bye. I love you.”

Her last text to me until the unending silence . A last gift. A last kindness. Even in her pain she sought to soothe. That’s why I love her. That’s why I’ve always loved her. Because she loved me. It was the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.❤️

Posted in 2018

Once again~ vcl©️

Through my window

I watch the snow fall.

I am on the qui vive as it feathers down.

Almost apologetically, like a billowing bed sheet;

Collectively covering the ground’s

 Nakedness and the tree’s limbs.

The picnic table stands in lonely, frozen silhouette.

Pigeons pace and prattle.

I open the door

and step over the threshold.

A dog howls a mournful tune in the distance.

Closing the door behind me I am enveloped

in semi- darkness. The snowflakes stare back silently.

Only one street light beams.

I am clothed in my own exhaled breath.

Bleak winter has arrived, once again.

Posted in 2018

Peering into the Soul💫

03880C62-4980-4E21-BA7F-4FC6D036252FThis has been a long, devastatingly hard week since the passing of my daughter Stephanie. If there is any light at all, it is to be found in family who have taken time to support me. One particular person is my brother Les. His support and willingness to do the hard tasks will always be remembered in my heart.

We’ve been having lots of opportunity to reminisce as siblings do and during one of our conversations he told me about an occasion when he worked as a councillor at our church camp, with children who had various disabilities. One boy, he remembered, probably about 15 years old at the time, in an advanced stage of multiple sclerosis was confined to a wheelchair. My brother assisted him by pushing him around to meals and various activities. He couldn’t play softball but he liked to watch, and my brother said he stayed with him so he wouldn’t have to be alone.

The conversation turned to the ocean, the boy lamented that he had never been to the waters edge of a beach. The beach wasn’t easily accessible for a wheelchair. There were a lot of stairs to navigate. Les told the lad…”I can take you down the stairs….but you ain’t coming back ….haha” He laughed.

The boy continued, He hated being a bother to people, as if others had made him feel that way and Les said, “that it was no problem for him.”

Smiling up, He said to Les, “Everybody has a problem, it’s just that you can see mine.”

My brother, with the same kindness he showed to me this week …found a way to honour the boy’s desire. He said… I know a place… there was another access 3/4 mile away and he pushed the boy all the way there. Because He couldn’t get out of the wheelchair, Les cupped water in his hands,  the boy tasted it and thought it was pretty neat.

As the sun was setting on another day, they slowly returned to the camp for supper. As Les helped him get ready for the meal, the boy asked….”Soooo, how does feel to be hanging out with a * gibble* ? Les said “Funny you should ask. I’ve always wanted a friend that was a *gibble*. Now I have one.

38 years have passed since that conversation, with its triumphs and failures, ( more of the latter he says) yet the memory of that day remains clear.

I think Confucius said it best: ❤️

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.

Posted in 2018

It was suicide. Farewell my dear child vcl2018

I want to scream, and scream . And scream some more.

I want to grab those flowers, rip them petal by petal

crush them under my heel

order them to leave and never return

But I cannot. I dare not.

For all my crushing and ripping

has released the sticky-sweet aroma that death brings

the memory of wizened old aunts and grandparents

linger in the ancient air…..exposed in all its fragility.

Woe, o Woe,  how can it be so young to choose

eternity.

 

 

 

 

Posted in 2018

Happy. Vcl©️

My eyes are closed

Words rattle

Round and round

Seek to escape

Long to express themselves

Larger than life

Squeeze, stretch

Through the almost shut door

Of night

Tight.

Shut out the world

All cancerous words

I cannot bear the sight

Shake those happy letters

From the dreamland tree

Shake them free

Gaze upon their transparency

As they arrange themselves

Hope shines bright

Right .