I want to scream, and scream . And scream some more.
I want to grab those flowers, rip them petal by petal
crush them under my heel
order them to leave and never return
But I cannot. I dare not.
For all my crushing and ripping
has released the sticky-sweet aroma that death brings
the memory of wizened old aunts and grandparents
linger in the ancient air…..exposed in all its fragility.
Woe, o Woe, how can it be so young to choose
eternity.
I am stuck in concrete walls/ nothing natural / I press the remote button / nature sounds emanate / from the lonely TV / stretched out on the wall.
Crickets, bird songs, cicadas trill / basking in the warm summer sun /not real / but the memories of real / somehow soothe my soul.
The sonorous splash of waves / that beat upon the shore / the screech of hungry gulls / intersperse the musical crescendos / seed heads of wind tossed crabgrass jiggle / the surfer intently gliding /all crashing down /to silence.
My heart aches / for the generations to come / who will have no real memory / and are forever stuck /beating against concrete walls.
I’ve found true joy comes from serving others. If you are feeling blue, turn on your servants heart and it will bless you. Unknown.
I’ve been feeling blue. Life hasn’t followed the pattern I expected. I’ve agonized over who’s to blame and have no concrete answer.
I do know I feel too much. Truly, these last couple of years have been arduous. Words are spoken or not. Decisions get made or not. I’ve felt that the world is an unkind and unsafe place for the most part. I’ve found myself asking “If you can’t trust your tribe who can you trust?” Where is the loyalty, the trust? Everybody scurries for cover when you ask the hard questions.
I can’t fix everything. There, I’ve said it out loud. Actually a lot of things aren’t fixable in this world. More stuff is made to be disposable. Even the toaster eventually quits toasting. But you don’t feel the same pain throwing the toaster in the trash as when someone you love trashes you.
The pain is real. But reading the above quote this morning I was reminded that the world is full of other people who feel blue and if I look beyond myself they show up. Every day. People who appreciate your words of advice. People longing for words of hope. A hug. A coffee. I may never have the answers I crave in this world, but I can concentrate on how I respond to the sadness my heart feels every day. I choose joy in service. It’s what I do. I do it because I want to. I do it because it gives me joy. It eases the burden.
I’ve turned on my servant’s heart and I don’t want to shut it off. ❤️
I thought of you today
as standing in a cope of trees
nearly naked limbs dangling
in autumn’s rheumy breeze
i glimpsed you in the broken light
refracted through the falling leaves
too bright still, restless, mortal
beams spilling through the edges
I thought of you today
Here and there, and in between.
One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.⠀ Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums⠀
I can identify with Jack. Sometimes in an attempt to find the right words that will allow me to communicate with you, dear readers, I find myself with nothing to say. Nothing. Sometimes that makes my friends and family nervous. Because it’s not that I don’t have words. I have tons of words. Words that weave and dance, that caress and cajole but usually they are more complicated than I wish. I occasionally need to look for simple.
So I went to the sea, Cuba. Sunshine. Sand. Sleep.
Simple.
I went to the sea today
Raised finger tips
to sun kissed lips
Tasted the salt
Of a thousand tears
Words that have never been heard
Just evaporated, disappeared.
~I feel recharged. We are and then we are not. Simple as that. 💫
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