Posted in 2019

Are you burdens light? ©️vcl

True story: While grocery shopping the clerks always asked if they could help me carry my groceries. When I was younger I felt quite offended. In fact one time I responded with a terse “I’ll let you know when I need help” as I picked up my 40 bags and struggled to the car. By the time I dragged them home I had broken out into a cold sweat. My husband offered to help, but I waved him away intent on proving that things were lighter than they looked.

Sometimes we are unwilling to let someone help make our burdens “light”. We would rather struggle along self righteously or indignantly wearing ourselves out, perhaps not wanting to be seen as weak… ignoring the help that is offered. How silly it seems now.

Posted in 2018

December 26~ A Lamentation vcl©️

With ghostlike steps

The unforgiving light of morning

Pours out, grief suspended , unended

Stopping the illusion

That anything can ever be okay.

Ergo I lean in

Strain my ear but

I can only hear

one heartbeat

Faith, belief, forever

are only words I pencil in,

Grasping to my chest

My book of lamentation.

 

For littered among Christmas debris

I search the fragile memories

You said that freedom lies in solitude

The song of angels now stilled

I strain to hear the trill of your faint goodbye.

Art: Florence Blanchot

Posted in 2018

Winter’s call vcl©️

 

I watch the falling snow
The whirling edges
Sparkle into night

Windblown fingers grasp
The naked branches
Cavorting in the light.

Endless snowflakes fall
Like ageless dancing angels
Heeding winter’s flight

I am making shortbread
Measuring,mixing, blending,
Cutting small shapes just right

Wishing you were standing near
As you do in every year
Judging the sugary cookies a delight.

Posted in 2018

I had no words vcl©

Today I wanted to hold

your hand

Not chain your soul to the chiseled blocks

of raw silence

promises so brittle

blown away

come and gone.

 

I had no words

they vanished

one by one at the news that you had left

had just been passing through

I had no sound

my words evaporated

to the ground

to the silent earth

conjured up prayers

that taste like stale communion bread

on my tongue

seeking nourishment for

my soul.

 

*Aztec stone sculpture

Posted in 2018

Words that sting have a way of lingering ~ vcl©️

Let me ask you this: What’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to you? How quickly can you recall this memory? Now try this one on: What are the most hurtful words anyone’s ever said to you? What about instances where the words uttered weren’t even intentionally mean, but they still stung deeply? I suspect this list would be the longest. Words that sting have a way of lingering.

My daughter’s untimely death has caused me to remember conversations, especially in the final weeks leading up to her suicide. It is not easy, not being enough for her to keep holding on. We always accused her of being cryptic…But my last conversation was clear as a bell. It will ring forever in my ears.

“It’s never been about you Mum. Bye. I love you.”

Her last text to me until the unending silence . A last gift. A last kindness. Even in her pain she sought to soothe. That’s why I love her. That’s why I’ve always loved her. Because she loved me. It was the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.❤️

Posted in 2018

Christmas~ It makes us feel … vcl©

Christmas ~ It makes us feel.
We inwardly wail and gnash our teeth
Or stoically keep a stiff upper lip
We wrap our gifts
Trim the tree, rearrange the Nativity…
And in the ritual, hope
To pass along the memories
To those who listen
Perhaps our children
Paying tribute to those we miss
Playing down the agonies
Elevating the bliss
A seasonal thaw, as if walking on stones
On the winter river
Frozen in place but beauteous ever
We find ourselves transfixed in this space
We’ve set aside for lost warm embrace.
And we hold it tight
For it is all we have
This celebration of lives lived, loved and lost
 Consoling ourselves that we are present
With our presence, the best present,
Not a memory erased, hoping to return
At the end of the new glittery year that awaits.

Posted in 2018

Peering into the Soul💫

03880C62-4980-4E21-BA7F-4FC6D036252FThis has been a long, devastatingly hard week since the passing of my daughter Stephanie. If there is any light at all, it is to be found in family who have taken time to support me. One particular person is my brother Les. His support and willingness to do the hard tasks will always be remembered in my heart.

We’ve been having lots of opportunity to reminisce as siblings do and during one of our conversations he told me about an occasion when he worked as a councillor at our church camp, with children who had various disabilities. One boy, he remembered, probably about 15 years old at the time, in an advanced stage of multiple sclerosis was confined to a wheelchair. My brother assisted him by pushing him around to meals and various activities. He couldn’t play softball but he liked to watch, and my brother said he stayed with him so he wouldn’t have to be alone.

The conversation turned to the ocean, the boy lamented that he had never been to the waters edge of a beach. The beach wasn’t easily accessible for a wheelchair. There were a lot of stairs to navigate. Les told the lad…”I can take you down the stairs….but you ain’t coming back ….haha” He laughed.

The boy continued, He hated being a bother to people, as if others had made him feel that way and Les said, “that it was no problem for him.”

Smiling up, He said to Les, “Everybody has a problem, it’s just that you can see mine.”

My brother, with the same kindness he showed to me this week …found a way to honour the boy’s desire. He said… I know a place… there was another access 3/4 mile away and he pushed the boy all the way there. Because He couldn’t get out of the wheelchair, Les cupped water in his hands,  the boy tasted it and thought it was pretty neat.

As the sun was setting on another day, they slowly returned to the camp for supper. As Les helped him get ready for the meal, the boy asked….”Soooo, how does feel to be hanging out with a * gibble* ? Les said “Funny you should ask. I’ve always wanted a friend that was a *gibble*. Now I have one.

38 years have passed since that conversation, with its triumphs and failures, ( more of the latter he says) yet the memory of that day remains clear.

I think Confucius said it best: ❤️

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.